Ethos: Minnesota Nice and Minnesota Ice
by The Editors on November 17, 2005 in Culture
Dear Minnesota,
About a month ago, Professor Tom Patterson saw me walking with my squash racket, and he challenged me to a game. I agreed. But when we got out on the court, one thing became immediately obvious: Professor Patterson is a horrible squash player.
However, he’s my advisor. That means he’s not only grading my thesis, but he also has the power to help me get a job when I graduate this spring. So, I let him win the first game. He got so excited about his victory that now he calls me three times a week to play. I’ve let him win eight times in a row now, and it’s getting pretty frustrating. I want so badly to unleash my powerful forehand upon him, rendering his wobbly swings utterly useless, but I’m afraid he’ll give me the cold shoulder if I do.
Please tell me what I should do.
Sincerely,
Squeemish Squasher
Dear SS,
At first, your question confused me. Where I come from, squash is something we eat with brown sugar and butter. But when I looked up squash in my Encyclopedia Minnesotia, it informed me that squash is also “…a sport much like racquetball, except players must wear cardigans drooped over their shoulders and drink at least one martini upon completing the game[s].” So that must be what you are talking about.
First off, beating Professor Patterson is out of the question. It’ll make him feel bad, and there’s no point in putting a strain on your relationship. Best to try a time-honored Minnesotan tactic: conflict avoidance.
Happily, Professor Patterson is from Minnesota himself, so he’ll understand you when you talk a little “Minnesotan” to him. Try this:
“Yah, well, yah know, if it ain’t too much trouble, I don’t think I’m much up fer squash this week. Got a lotta work to do, yah know?”
Continue saying this each time he calls, and he’ll get the picture.
Yours,
Minnesota Nice
Dear Minnesota,
I’ve always been an amazing squash player. I’ve just got a way with a squash racket, yah know? Recently, I’ve been playing one of my students. It’s really not much of a game, though. Each time, I completely crush him. I feel sort of bad beating him so badly, because I don’t want him to get down on himself at this critical juncture in his young life. But it feels so good to destroy him on the squash court. Should I let him win just once to make him feel good, or should I keep playing to my potential and “squash” him every time?
Yours,
Tom Patterson
Dear Tom,
Unbelievable. This is pathetic. I’m sick and tired of Minnesotans thinking they need to be “nice” just to make other people feel good. What would have happened if the first Scandinavians who settled our State had decided to be “nice” to Old Man Winter, instead of cutting down trees and making houses to keep themselves warm? Huh? Okay, I guess that analogy doesn’t totally work, but you get the picture.
Get over your worries. Keep showing this kid who’s boss. In fact, you should call him every day to play squash. If he gives you some lame excuse about not wanting to play, keep pestering him over and over again until he relents. He needs to learn to respect his elders. Plus, you’ll get to chalk up even more wins. Trust me, it’ll feel great.
Yours,
Minnesota Ice
Comments
Got something to say?
