300 Lessons to Learn
by Ned Sebelius on April 18, 2007 in Opinion
To: President Bush (and those who read to President Bush)
As per your request, I’ve reviewed the new movie 300, which depicts an ancient Greek battle. As you know, watching movies is more fun than reading, and this movie offers some handy history lessons to help us judge our current war on terror.
300 is a jingoist’s dream, full of enough slow-motion bloodletting to satisfy even the most sanguinary viewers. In simpler terms, Mr. President, this is a Chuck Norris-style, kick-ass movie. The story is loosely based on the ancient battle of Thermopylae, in which 300 Spartans, led by King Leonidas, stood against the Persian Emperor Xerxes I and his hundreds of thousands of soldiers.
The Manichaean fight between good and evil is clear from the outset. To be plainspoken, sir, the handsome, well-groomed white guys (Spartans) represent the forces of reason, democracy, and good in the world. The Spartans loved freedom and freedom loved them. Please ignore any “historians” who might tell you the Spartans owned slaves.
The Spartans wear the white cowboy hats figuratively, of course, as cows were not invented until the founding of the great state of Texas in 1845 while the Persians, representing the dark-skinned forces of evil, wear the black cowboy hats.
Before heading into battle, Leonidas personally inspects his troops. He discovers that a Spartan named Ephialtes has tried to sneak into his army. But this Spartan doesn’t fit the mold of the handsome, well-groomed unit, and Leonidas tells him he can’t fight alongside the others. Ephialtes switches sides in anger, joining Xerxes and telling him of the goat path eventually used to encircle and defeat the Spartans. (Lesson: I’m not saying General Pace¹s comments are going to help al Qaeda recruit from the Human Rights Campaign, I¹m just
saying…)
Just before the Spartans’ last gasp, Leonidas pulls aside his close buddy, who has lost an eye in battle, and commands him to return to Sparta and tell everyone how bravely their soldiers fought. Leonidas is smart enough to know that one of the most important parts of any battle is to have a spin-doctor at the ready. Unfortunately, he chooses his one-eyed friend with no depth perception. (Lesson: While some have tried to sell you on the idea that good propaganda is more important than good strategy, Leonidas ends up with 30 arrows in his chest.)
Leonidas’s confidante rushes back to Sparta, spinning a tale of valor about the soldiers in order to convince the legislature, which has been squandering time and undermining the troops’ efforts (just like the pesky Democrats), to supply a new and better-funded force. Xerxes, for his part, watches the battle from his giant throne, far removed from danger, and then swoops in to claim all the credit. They didn¹t have aircraft carriers back then, but this was Xerxes’ “Mission Accomplished.” One year later, the Greeks vanquished his armies at Plataea. (Lesson: If you’re going to claim credit for winning a battle, make sure that: a) the battle is over and b) you¹ve won. I think you already know about this one.)
What other lessons can we take away, Mr. President? First, sharing the burden of a war across an entire nation is necessary for victory. It doesn’t matter how brave or well trained your forces are; if the entire nation isn’t asked to sacrifice for the effort, the effort will eventually be unsuccessful. The Persian forces were routed at Plataea once the other Greek tribes were inspired to band together and launch a counter-campaign.
Second, the legislature, although slow and deliberative, holds the purse strings and getting their support is crucial to a well-supplied army, and by extension, victory.
Third, the commitment of the Spartans to their principles of democracy and reason, and their willingness to fight for ideals instead of treasure, instills fear in the Persians. Xerxes’ armies see that the Spartans believe, cherish, and practice the
principles they espouse about fair treatment and rational thought. Our current efforts will only be strengthened if we practice the democracy and respect for equal rights that we preach.
Thank you for this task, sir. I look forward to reporting back next week on Blades of Glory and its lessons on reforming Social Security.
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