Being a Baby’s Daddy
by Jim Armstrong on May 4, 2007 in Opinion
“I have no idea how you do it!”
So goes the common refrain following someone’s discovery that I have a four-month-old son. Since fatherhood is the state of my existence these days, I guess I really haven’t had much time to reflect on what it’s like to be both a graduate student and a newly minted daddy.
Come to think of it, I kick ass.
What has me thinking about this is springtime. I had a big week around this time last year. My welcome e-mail from KSG reached my inbox on a Wednesday; that Friday, the doctor called with news that I’d knocked up my wife. I think that was how he put it.
Like so many of us, I operate best when overwhelmed. That’s why I thought it would be such a killer idea to be an MPP candidate and a dad at the same time. My wife, well, she’s a touch more rational than I and, having obtained her master’s a few years prior, she had a sense of what I was in for. Hence her suggestion that, “gee…sweetheart…maybe, you know…we can, well… put babymakin’ on hold until you’re closer to graduating – as opposed to before you’ve even been accepted.”
“Honey,” I said in my thoroughly non-condescending manner, “I’m a superhero. Worry not.”
Besides, who gets pregnant right away? And what are the odds of getting into Harvard and conceiving a child nearly simultaneously?
A year later, I’m happy to report that Haydon’s birth has simply added to my list of FAQs. Previous questions include, “Are you related to Neil?” and “What basketball position did you play?”
A new personal favorite: “How do you focus; aren’t you distracted?” A touch, I suppose, but no more so than the pair of MPP2 ladies who sat next to me in class last winter and spent 90% of every lecture Facebooking. I still don’t know what Facebook is.
Which brings me to my tragic unhipness. Many would argue that it preceded my becoming a dad, but it’s undeniable now. I’m way out of the loop. There are so many extracurricular activities going on – forums and talks, seminars and screenings – that I have to leave early or skip altogether. Plus, there’s a great deal of beer drinking I intuitively sense I’m missing.
I won’t lie to you: the beer vs. offspring tradeoff is a tough one. I struggle between wanting to meet more people here socially—and not just hurriedly in the lab when we conspire over where to put the comma in Stata—and really, really wanting to be home so I can make my son giggle when I sing nonsense rhymes (he humors me).
It hasn’t been that bad, though. Haydon doesn’t know it, but in some ways he’s expanded my social circle here. KSG
parents hone in on each other – sensing, I think, the camaraderie bound to develop from sleep-deprivation and the fear that the people behind you in lecture can smell the baby puke on your shirt.
KSG parents are easy to spot. We’re the ones with huge pictures of our spawn as our laptop wallpaper. Forgive us this indulgence, even if our gazing at candids of tubby-time and messy-face feedings seems lame to you. We miss our kids. That’s probably the toughest part for me about being in school—leaving the boy. There are days when I leave the house before he’s awake and don’t come back until after he’s gone down for the night. The boy is – mostly – a blessedly good sleeper already. Small favors. But going two days without holding him just plain sucks.
The KSG community does make it a little easier. Overall, professors are fairly willing to accommodate the schedule of a new parent. And my study groups in particular have been very forgiving on nights when I have to bolt early. Academically, I know I’ve mended my ways since my procrastinating undergraduate days. Knowing that there’s a strong chance I’ll be woken up at least once a night forces me to do a better job of managing my waking hours. I make my best attempt to do all my schoolwork when I’m on campus, so that when I’m home and Haydon fits me into his schedule, I can take advantage of my time with him. But it doesn’t always work out the way I want.
One recent morning, my wife e-mailed to tell me that Haydon rolled over for the first time. It happened while I was in management class. I was pretty bummed until I realized I would have missed the milestone anyway had I been at work – absence isn’t something I can blame on being a grad student.
As I’m coming to realize, life spent serving two masters will be complicated. Strangely, perhaps, I’ll be preferring the one who poops in his pants.
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