Me Me Me and My Support Staff
by James Ahlers on October 17, 2007 in Opinion
I write today to convey my enthusiastic support for a social group too long maligned and neglected. This is a group whose members, while undoubtedly endowed with the eloquence to plead their own case, are far too valuable a national resource to waste their time on such things.
I speak, of course, of young narcissists.
You members of the Me Me Me Generation, who suffer the repeated snubs of our stodgy mass media and grow understandably weary of having to compile articles about yourself in “The Daily Me,” are finally getting your due. New scholarship abounds attesting to the myriad ways in which you are transforming the world, and the venerable Boston Globe Magazine recently sang your praises in the aptly titled, “In Praise of Arrogance: Why a generation of entitled, narcissistic young guns is just what our workforce needs.” Our society has finally gotten wise that you are great for the economy, or, in the language of self-esteem to which you are accustomed, nay, entitled, YOU ARE GREAT FOR THE ECONOMY!!!
But you already knew that. That is because you are blessed with extreme, other-worldly intelligence of the sort that any sensible employer, or better yet, equity investor, should be eager to reward handsomely with no questions asked. Sadly, many employers and investors are of an age where they simply do not “get” your generation’s unique combination of youthful inexperience and Greek tragedy-sized hubris.
I was born in 1972, so I am technically part of your generation but really more of a “tweener.” I am old enough to have purchased an original copy of Queen’s “Flash Gordon” movie soundtrack on vinyl, yet young enough to know that it is extremely uncool to admit that. My tweener status affords me a special vantage point from which to appreciate both the gray, ossified corporate structures that preceded you, and the bright, shiny new monuments to prosperity that you will leave in your wake.
What this means for you – and rest assured this is about you – is that I can tell you how to communicate with the dinosaurs who stand in your way, at least until you can force them into the tar pits of early retirement. In that spirit, I would like to humbly offer you a few recommendations on dealing with your future employers and co-workers during this transition phase before you ascend to the throne.
- Refer to your co-workers, and even your boss, as your “support staff,” the way Michael Jordan talked about his teammates on the Chicago Bulls. This will let them know you appreciate how much your success means to them.
- In meetings, be sure to talk far more than you listen. If you are just sitting there listening, you are selfishly depriving people who went to state schools of the value of your $100,000-plus education.
- Refuse to deal with people you do not like or understand. As one 15-year-old rising star in the Globe article noted, “It would be hard compromising with a lot of different people whom I might clash with.” You should not have to do things that are hard.
- Seek every opportunity to speak of Harvard. If a co-worker invites you to “grab a sandwich” for lunch, you might reply, “We often dined on sandwiches at Harvard.” (You should then decline the invitation, naturally, as you have more important things to do.)
- Remind younger co-workers that when you were their age you had three Olympic gold medals, a Pulitzer and two master’s degrees. Remind older co-workers that when they retire you will be in charge of the Social Security Fund.
- Occasionally, a “superior” will interrupt your work and ask you to perform some meaningless task for him or her. Nod politely and then subversively undermine this imposition of an antiquated hierarchical construct by delaying the work until it becomes irrelevant. (When you are in charge, you can take more direct measures and rule your non-hierarchical utopia with an iron-clad fist.)
- Do not bother with false humility. The meek may inherit the earth, but they certainly will not rule it, and by the time we get through with it, it may not be worth inheriting.
I pray these modest suggestions may set you on the path to success. Should you fail, however, do not despair. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and find out who is to blame. After all, it could not possibly be anything you did wrong.
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