Armageddon Outta Here
by Cody Keenan, Opinions Editor on April 30, 2008 in Opinion
As I sit in a Starbucks on Pennsylvania Avenue between the Capitol and the White House, I watch a steady line of staffers clad in Brooks Brothers and clutching BlackBerries march by.
As they obsessively scroll through their inboxes, their bosses do little to prevent our problems from steadily growing worse. I’m halfway tempted to stand in their way with a hastily-painted cardboard sign declaring “THE END IS NEAR.”
I’ve got that uneasy feeling I haven’t had since my mother used to yell at me using my middle name. I’m not much for the evangelical movement that fervently hopes the Rapture is upon us, but I’m beginning to understand their penchant for fitting the Book of Revelation to their needs. Fires. Floods. Earthquakes. Famine. Chaos.
Luke 21:10-12 says, “Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be great earthquakes, famines and pestilences in various places and fearful events and great signs from heaven.”
Well, last week Iraq didn’t get any better, earthquakes hit Illinois, food riots broke out across the globe and strange lights appeared in the sky over Phoenix.
Armageddon! Ragnarok! There is no Dana, only Zuul!
Sam’s Club is rationing rice - in America. Hillary Clinton is one-upping John McCain by promising not only to bomb Iran, but “totally obliterate” it. Ted Turner is warning Charlie Rose that global warming will bring about mass cannibalism (no, seriously). Japan is attempting to arm robots with lasers. And we all know how well that worked out in Terminator 3.
The New York Times recently wrote of the burgeoning survivalism market with entrepreneurs selling apocalypse packages. Otherwise sensible people are stocking up on food, supplies, gold, hydroponics and solar panels. They’re keeping their own gardens for fear oil shortages and economic collapse will cause civilization to revert to the dark ages.
Apocalypse Wow!
It all seems pretty ridiculous, but then again, I bought a gas mask when I lived in Washington and the Department of Homeland Security told me to.
Gutless politicians ignore our problems and an insouciant media soothes us with items of trivial importance. On the day oil prices nearly sextupled since President Bush took office, he appeared on NBC’s “Deal or No Deal” (no doubt desperately hoping one of the suitcases contained a plan for Iraq). His wife hosted the “Today Show.” The presidential candidates taped segments for “WWE Monday Night Raw.”
On the day Jeffrey Sachs attempted to explain the food shortages all over the world, the media made damn sure Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton didn’t repeat John Kerry’s fatal error of ordering their Philly cheesesteaks with Swiss.
After Obama got in trouble for claiming small-town Americans turn to guns, religion and patriotism because their leaders ignore them, he was confronted on the ABC News debate by a blue-collar Pennsylvanian who used her one question to ask him…about his failure to wear a flag pin. (Never mind that the moderators and Senator Clinton lacked pins.)
No wonder four in five Americans think we’re off track and worse off than five years ago. It all has the feel of fiddling while Rome burns, doesn’t it?
But cheer up! As the seven bowls of wrath are poured out upon the globe, another class of Kennedy School students is about to graduate. And while it’s tempting to just tear off our clothes and join in the apocalyptic fun, running around a bonfire like it’s Disco Demolition Night at Comiskey Park, it falls on us to prevent the end days. Suddenly, those economics and leadership classes and a Spring Exercise focused on keeping West Virginia from becoming beachfront property seem a bit more important. Hopefully, “Acting in Time” taught you to act in time on forty-seven crises at once. Ask what you can do? Prevent Doomsday!
Looking out the window from where I sit, the political army marches on. But unless the BlackBerry network goes down, they’re not listening. Just in case, I’ve stocked up on enough beef jerky and PBR to last through baseball season. After all, beer makers are facing a hops shortage.
The prophet Jimmy Buffett put it best. If we couldn’t laugh, we’d all go insane.
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This marks is my final column as Carlyn Reichel (MPP1) makes her debut as the incoming Citizen opinions editor. I trust you’ll tip her as well as you’ve tipped me all year. Enjoy the Apocalypse!
Written by Cody Keenan, Opinions Editor · Filed Under Opinion
Cody Keenan (MPP2) is Opinions Editor of the Citizen. Prior to his time at the Kennedy School of Government, Cody worked in the United States Senate from 2003 to 2006. He spent last summer on a leading presidential campaign.
A Chicagoan and graduate of Northwestern University, he blames his Midwestern roots for his affinity for meat products and perennially losing sports teams. In this space, he hopes to write columns on string theory, metaphysics, and behavioral economics, but will probably just stick to politics and American culture.
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