The End of an Era
by Carlyn Reichel on February 25, 2009 in Opinion
MPP2 Insecurities, Revealed
For longer than I care to admit, I have had a huge crush on Conan O’Brien. For years, I had a life goal of being just successful enough at something, anything, to be the third guest on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien;” for years, this seemed like a more-than-achievable goal. All one really needed to do was accomplish something mildly interesting in the general vicinity of New York City. But now, all that has changed.
Last Friday was the last episode of “Late Night,” and Conan’s next incarnation as Jay Leno’s successor on “The Tonight Show” will inevitably be less quirky, more mainstream, and much, much less likely to accept the likes of me as a fill-in when the musical guest cancels at the last minute. It, in short, was the end of an era.
More disturbing to me, however, is the fact that it’s been 16 years since Conan first took to the air, at least ten since I set my egomaniacal goal, and still I have no idea what my something, my anything, is going to be. By the time Conan takes over for Jay on June 1, I too will have come to the end of my entre-act - the end of my formal education. I too will have to step onto a bigger stage, with higher stakes, knowing that there isn’t really the option to go back to the years where I could blame my lack of personal direction on being in college, or my early-20s, or somewhere with inadequate cell-phone coverage.
I am freaking terrified.
Perhaps this entire piece is just a cathartic exercise in emotional flashing (the next-of-kin to Sam Sanders’ idea of “social streaking” [see below]) in hopes that some of you out there share my insecurities and will tell me I’m not alone, but I still feel it needs to be said. The desire to make a difference doesn’t seem to be enough these days. There are only so many spots out there for the qualified generalist HKS prides itself on turning out, and I have a sinking suspicion those jobs in the administration have already been filled.
How far will resume lines like “fast learner,” “good writer,” and “trapeze enthusiast” really get me when I am no longer able to hide from the real-world pressures of job hunting behind my PAE? I shudder to find out.
Lest I risk torpedoing all future employment opportunities right here, I would like to issue a general disclaimer: I am not UNskilled, I am just uncertain. Last semester I took Prof. Kathryn Edin’s class on urban poverty and immediately followed it up with Prof. Ricardo Hausmann’s class on poor, volatile, and unequal countries. Depending on the hour of the day you caught me at, I would have had very different answers to the question of where I wanted to dedicate my life. Poverty would have probably been involved though. Unless it was Wednesday, in which case I might have answered something about international security. And these are all noble and right answers.
I am jealous of my MPP compatriots who are so sure that their area of concentration is the primary key to saving the world, and who know exactly where they want to offer their service upon graduation. If you can answer without hesitation or a second thought which of the HKS PACs holds the key to a better tomorrow, you are likely a) not in PAL, and b) not plagued by the same crippling power of the possible that seems to be tripping me up.
I want to serve, but where and how? Is there a public good in writing snipey opinion pieces commenting on the work of others, or do Maureen Dowd and Arianna Huffington have that one pretty well covered?
When you get down to it, the MPP is an inherently mutable beast. That’s part of the reason I chose it in the first place, and a huge part of the reason I am so undecided about what I’m going to do next. I feel prepared for everything and nothing all at once.
Hopefully the next two-and-a-half months will bring me the revelatory moment of inspiration and clarity of purpose I so long for. Hopefully it will come from seeing each of you choose the path you are destined for. That would truly be the end of an era indeed. More likely, I will spend the rest of the semester hyperventilating in dark corners until something comes through, at which point I will proudly announce that it’s what I wanted to do all along.
Then again, if Jimmy Fallon tanks in the early run, maybe I can just take over for Conan on “Late Night” to refill NBC’s quota of late-night, Harvard-educated redheads. Yes, that seems like an appropriate use of my soon-to-be mastery of public policy.
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